Eve of National Day. I re-call the good old days back in sec. school where the whole school gathers in the assembly hall for a short concert followed by sing-along session to Nation Day songs. Standing by the back of the hall with the rest of my prefects, arms around each other's shoulders, bringing everyone close together as a family and singing to the National Day songs with total enthusiasm. Sometimes, we get so high that we will stand on the chairs we sit on and be the centre of attraction, swaying and singing out loud till hearts content. Mid-way, everyone would rush to where our classmates stand and join in with the whole class who are actually singing! (well, they usually don't open their mouths even to the school song!) Every year was memorable in its own way. That is what I call a National Day celebration.
This year it became so depressing for me. Despite the support from the few friends I have, encouragements after encouragements, hugs after hugs, comforts after comforts - I still haven't gotten over the phase of self-blame and self-hate. I am so tired lately, not from the assignments but from the behaviours of people around me. Not sick of their attitude but so exhuasted to see familar, once-close friends ignore my presence.
I feel guilty. I know my two closest friends in school are being angels. They truely are. However, I don't wish for my presence to obstruct their friendships with those that have problem only with me and nothing to do with them at all. I keep feeling like I am putting them in a disadvantage stand where they can't enjoy the fruits of friendship. It is better for one to suffer than two or more. I would rather they be happy cos then I will be happy too.
The world suddenly became such a sad place for me to live in. Nobody really gives a damn about me besides those that truely care. I know there are those who are worth every care and concern from me. I remember not to think of the negative but to look at bright sides, move on and lead life. Yet everything seems to come to a stand still for me. Hardly anyone smiles to me anymore. Or probably mild-depression has eaten half of me.
Everyone is happy in school celebrating National Day as a class. Was suppose to go for ballet class but teacher cancelled class at last minute. So I am left with myself and I at home. I miss my old friends from school. I miss good old days. I wish I wasn't where I am.
You know how much you can help a suffering person here by just talking things out? I would rather you kill me with all the words and confessions rather than to leave me hanging in mid-air. I thought you always knew how things work out best for me.
Who is to come and save me from this torment?
I would rather put all my heart and soul into caring for you unconsiously cos you remove my fears. I miss you.
